I’ve seen a full solar eclipse at the Arctic Circle. I’ve swam with reef sharks in the Galapagos. But if you ask me what the two most memorable moments in my life are, I would say without hesitation, it is the births of my two little girls.
Fatherhood is without a doubt the most impactful, compelling, and downright satisfying adventure that I’ve embarked on. That’s not to say it’s been easy. It’s also been the most challenging, upsetting, and occasionally soul crushing experience as well. But here’s the thing. The highs and lows are kind of the point.
Whenever people ask me what it’s like to have kids, I start with two simple questions. What’s the happiest moment of your life? And what’s the saddest? Now take both of those feelings, and multiply them by 10 in both directions. That’s what being a parent feels like. It magnifies all the good AND the bad of what life has to offer. Sure, crossing a huge goal off your bucket list feels amazing. But it doesn’t compare to the feeling of watching my 3 year old figure out how to balance on her bike for the first time. And yes, getting laid off from a job is incredibly discouraging. But that despair isn’t close to the feeling of helplessness when you’re waiting in an ER to find out why your newborn is spitting up blood.
I’m no philosopher, but my personal belief is that a fundamental part of living life is about having experiences. But, in order to truly appreciate a life well lived, you need to have both good and bad experiences. After all, if your life is just one continuous string of awesomeness, then what’s the point? The human brain is a very powerful instrument. It constantly adapts and adjusts. Eventually, that experience you thought was so awesome last year will feel “meh”, and you’ll have to chase the next awesome experience to be happy. But there is no such thing as absolute happiness. Rather, happiness is the delta between the sad and the happy moments that occur in your life. And the bigger the delta, the more impactful those moments of happiness truly are.
Which is not to say that everyone should have kids. That’s a personal choice that everyone should make on their own. Many people live amazing lives without the added stress and responsibility of trying to turn a tiny human into a productive member of society. Because let’s be honest, a lot of times, being a parent totally sucks. But it’s that feeling you get from the highest of highs that make the lowest of lows almost worth it. Because for me, that’s where true happiness lies. In the delta.
Proud Asian Dad 